


Turn the Music Louder

by sunshinne_skz



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Depression, Eating Disorders, Everyone is just mentioned - Freeform, Gen, Hurt No Comfort, Hwang Hyunjin Needs a Hug, Hwang Hyunjin-centric, Sad Ending, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide, honestly this is just sad word vomit
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-08
Updated: 2021-03-08
Packaged: 2021-03-15 05:55:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,300
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29928921
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sunshinne_skz/pseuds/sunshinne_skz
Summary: Hyunjin knew he was too clingy,too emotional,too loud.Just... Just "too".Always "too" something.!!TRIGGER WARNING!! Heavy topics such as depression, self harm, disordered eating and suicide. Please be careful and mind the tags.
Relationships: Bang Chan/Hwang Hyunjin, Han Jisung | Han/Hwang Hyunjin
Kudos: 39





	Turn the Music Louder

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! I keep avoiding my other works in favor of writing short depressing one shots it seems. This work includes heavy topics, so please mind the tags and the description. Be careful, your well being is most important. I love you all, you`re never alone. Don`t be afraid to reach out if you are struggling, there is always someone willing to listen. If you do choose to read this, I hope you can enjoy it.

Just one. 

Just one just one just one just one just one just one just one just one.

His hands were trembling. Why couldn't he steady them?

 _No._ No, this couldn't be happening. He promised. 

It was resting in front of him, not even out of reach as he stared, unable to tear his eyes away. It was so close- He was so close. 

But he promised.

His stomach growled once more making the boy curl into himself. A whimper escaped his chapped lips at the thought of food- he wanted to have some, but he was going out later so he had to wait. There was no way he could allow himself more, not when the scale hadn't moved at all.

What was happening to him? Since when did he get scared at the simple thought of french fries? It's not like he never had them before, just last week too. Maybe that's why he was horriffied at himself- for craving them so soon.

The need to cry was almost unbearable, chocking the air out of his lungs and leaving him gasping for breath.

It hurt. His chest hurt. 

Why?

He thought he was getting better- colder. He thought he didn't care about such trivial things anymore. Turns out, that was one of the biggest lies he ever let himself believe.

He just wanted to cry, goddamn it! 

No tears were coming out, no matter how much Hyunjin felt like his soul was being shredded, ripped to pieces and left there as some grotesque reminder of who he used to be- who he could've been. 

He stole a glance at his phone, asking himself if he would dare to reach out. To anyone, he knew he had people who would listen. Or at least, in theory, he knew. 

Jisung was his best friend, surely he wouldn't mind listening to him for a little bit. But Jisung seemed tired today, and he doesn't always try to understand the extent of Hyunjin's feelings. Not that Hyunjin was blaming him, he just didn't think he had the energy to explain himself more than necessary. 

Chan, his brother, the one who somehow always managed to make it better, wasn't home. He was out with a friend and Hyunjin would be damned before he bothered him when he was supposed to be having fun.

He didn't even try to think about the rest, not when the fear just tightened its grip at the prospect of his friends getting tired of him. He knew how difficult he was- too clingy, too emotional, too loud. Just... Just "too". _Always "too" something._

Too much.

Too little.

_Not enough._

Hyunjin was _never_ enough. His grades, even when they were high, meant nothing. Because he didn't "work for them", because he "had it easy". All he had to do was have someone explain the material to him in a few minutes and that's it- an 80% at the least. 

No one saw the panic, the disappointment, the tears- all from being unable to read one single paragraph. He couldn't even do that, he couldn't concentrate enough and the words always turned into a mess so he stopped trying at some point.

He grasped it tightly into his hand, shuddering at the coldness of the blade. 

He promised. 

The first droplets of blood were so small, they could barely be seen- Hyunjin didn't manage more than a scratch. Yet, it was enough for him to start crying. Enough for sobs to catch in his throat, make him cough and make another cut.

He didn't mind the pain as much as the fact that he had just broken a promise. To himself and to his friends.

He said he won't ever get to this point again. He won't ever let himself sink so far. 

He told them he won't add any more scars to his skin. He won't shut them out.

Yet he did.

He did all of those things.

He cracked. It wasn't ”just one”. He cohldn't even bring himself to count them, not this time. He didn't want to know how many chances he had to stop, to maybe disappoint his friends a little less, but chose not to.

He threw the blade away, wincing at the sound it made when it hit the wall. He stretched his legs in front of him, watching as blood dripped down his tigh. There was no turning back, not from this.

Hyunjin was a firm believer in the fact that things do get better in the end. However, as he sat there, alone in his room with nothing to distract him, he realised how naive he had been. There's no "getting better", there never was. It's just a matter of time, and after one too many failures, it made sense to give up.

He had stopped crying a few minutes ago. What point was there to shedding tears when he brought it all upon himself? 

Just when he began to think life was at a turning point- he slept more, he cared more about school, he laughed more, he ate more. It all seemed to be going well.

A little too well, apparently. He should've expected this, in a way. But he was never the kind of person to question good things when they happened. 

Thinking about it now, Hyunjin couldn't help the laugh that escaped his lips. This... This version of himself was _so_ different from what everyone knew him as.

This version was raw, angry, desperate. This Hyunjin wanted to feel his knuckles crack with the force of his punch, he wanted to go out into the world and scream. Nothing in particular, just to show people _he was there_ and _he will make a difference_. This Hyunjin knew what he wanted, knew he had a selfish side, knew he had a temper. There was no pretending with this Hyunjin. Even with shaking hands and blood on his skin, this Hyunjin had always been the strongest.

What everyone else saw? That's... That's Hyunjin too, yeah. He wasn't going to pretend the sweet, sensitive teenager with a passion for all things pretty was fake. But it wasn't the whole thing. That Hyunjin was selfless. That Hyunjin was too shy to speak up sometimes. That Hyunjin would never hurt a fly. Honestly, Hyunjin knew he wouldn't hurt anyone- but it was a nice thought to entertain. Especially when the person who messed up years of his life was laughing and having fun while he still couldn't move on.

After what felt like an eternity, -might as well have been- Hyunjin stood up, cleaning and bandaging himself. He was careful, gentle. He decided that he deserved at least some kind of love. Even if only for a little.

He turned on the music. Loud.

Then louder.

_Too loud._

He swayed to the beat, body covered by nothing but an oversized t-shirt. Hyunjin sang along to the lyrics, ignoring the tears that made their way down his face, ignoring the whole entire world. He focused on the music, eyes closed, limbs moving with grace.

The playlist wasn't long by any means, yet it still somehow felt even shorter than Hyunjin expected it to be.

It didn't matter anymore.

Wouldn't matter in the future either.

Because as the last song finished, Hyunjin downed the bottle of pills he had been hiding all this time, in the hope that someday, he will find the strenght to get rid of them. He did just that, in a way.

Now, as the room fell into silence, along with the whole world, Hyunjin listened to his own breathing sttuter, until it got too difficult to pay attention to it anymore.

Even in his last moments, Hyunjin realised, he was yet again _too_ something.

Too tired. 

Too quiet. 

_Too still._

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading! It means a lot to me, and if you liked it, drop some kudos or a comment to let me know what you think. Much love <3


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